On the precipice of fifteen years of marriage (and 22 years together), I have been thinking a lot about the beginnings of my relationship with my husband. What drew us to one another at the start? Has that changed?
I remember the night we met like it was yesterday. I remember what he was wearing, the way he wore the shirtsleeves of his oxford pushed up on his forearms, the leaden weight of the August heat, the mosquitos we swatted away, the way he made my heart turn over in my chest when he would fix me with his hazel eyes. But what was it, after all, that magnetized us to one another, even that first night, when I was 18 and knew nothing yet about the widths of love?
Here is one thing: I had been around enough boys his age to expect the shrugging, dismissive way they tended to operate at first, while warming up. The way they often called over my head to their friends, slipped into and out of conversation with them, making me feel small. “Huh, what?” when I’d ask a question, perhaps feigning cool. Short answers; more bluster and burlesque than substance. It always took a bit of work to draw them out — or, at least this had been the case for me, with the prep school boys I knew. That first-skin callousness was absent with him. He was earnest, asking. I remember he widened his stance so that he could lower himself to my eye level at one point, focusing on me amidst the din of the dining room, where silver trays of appetizers and wine were being served around us, and old friends reconnected boisterously. He was asking my interests, my major. Inquiring as to where I’d be living at UVA; laughing generously at the right places. A receptive energy. He also told me he thought I was pretty — no coyness, a shock to my kittenish self, who was used to pining over boys in the privacy of conversations with girlfriends and speaking in obliques with the boys themselves. (“He is so hot,” we’d say, never actually telling the boy.) Do you know how many people are not told they are beautiful except for accidentally, sideways? To be told when you are eighteen that you are pretty, especially by a handsome college boy, is — something else.
That was the start of it, a clean knot at the edge of this long tapestry we’ve woven together — one that has held. I think that one of the keys to a happy marriage is maintaining the gracious, earnest curiosity about one another that arrives so naturally at the start: enough space to be ourselves, and the lovely feeling of being sought after and cherished for it, even as we change. Letting ourselves surprise one another. Perhaps we are adept at this because we’ve been together for so long, and he’s seen me evolve from the tender petal age of eighteen to the more world-wearied and battle-tested forty-one, and vice versa. We’ve grown up together.
There was an interesting monologue in the most recent season of White Lotus where one of the characters asks what desire is. Is it the seeking of one’s mirror, or one’s opposite? A complex question; certainly many of Landon’s traits are my antipode, and he is a full foot taller than I am — I’ve always been drawn to the contrast of his brawny, barefoot masculinity against my 5’0 smallness. But there is a lot in the venn diagram between us, too. And when I think back to that first night we met, I think the main thing I saw in him was how open he was to my whole self, and how that unbolted me in giving ways, too. I could be silly, I could be inquisitive. I could be me from the jump, and against all odds, he liked it.
I’m curious: what first drew you to your partner? Can you isolate it to one trait or moment, or does it hang together in a blurry penumbra? Has it changed over time? Do you find him or her your opposite or your mirror?
Please share — !
Post-Scripts.
+More thoughts on growing up together.
+3 a.m. parties. (Not what you think!)
+Movies that feel like summer.
+Tis the summer of the nightgown.
Shopping Break.
+Officially the cutest top I’ve ever seen.
+Doen Sebastiane vibes for less. (Compare with the Doen O.G. here.)
+Wore this Jenni-Kayne-esque dress this week and it was so comfortable and easy, especially in peak heat. Loose-fit (go down a size, FYI) and breezy, in non-itchy linen. I took a look at some of their other current arrivals and love this striped mixed-media dress in cherry red or crisp navy and these pull-on white linen shorts (the silhouette reminds me of the shorts I have from SoldOut — see me in mine here). And everyone needs a white eyelet shirtdress!
+I’ve been sending my kids to camp with this clear SPF spray — easier for them to reapply or seek assistance applying — and I love that it is so easy to apply and leaves no white cast (we stained one of our pavers and many a stroller in the past), but I will say we run through them QUICKLY. When I’m at the pool, we use a huge pump bottle of this.
+Mi Golondrina’s latest arrivals are SO charming. Love this, this, this. Great options for family or newborn portraits!
+Cute finds for girls at J. Crew: this scalloped skort and these raspberry shorts (both on sale at time of writing)!
+I know a lot of us are big fans of the brand Ruti. Their barrel jeans (in petite inseam, too!) were popular among us last winter as a great option for getting the Nili Lotan look for petites at a better price. They are a great SUPER STRETCH that makes them perfect for sitting all day. No rigid denim for desks! I think I’m going to try these easy pants next — you know I love a utility trouser!
+Love the unexpected color combinations on this linen shirtdress!
+Fun floral print on this tote.
+I own this skirt in a print from two or maybe three summers ago at this point and LOVE it. So comfortable and looks fabulous with a slim white tee tucked in.
+Fun pitcher for cocktails or iced tea!
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