I turned 41 on Thursday, and found myself thinking, while walking the path from the restaurant in which I’d enjoyed a birthday lunch with Mr. Magpie towards the pool at which my parents were looking after my children — what do I feel about this turn? How to make sense of 41 years on earth?
I thought mainly of Raymond Carver: “And did you get what / you wanted from this life, even so? / I did. / And what did you want? / To call myself beloved, to feel myself / beloved on the earth.”
I think that sums it up: love, always the point. I am bowled over my good fortune in feeling loved and valued by my family and friends. Am I beloved by myself, I wonder? This is a tender spot — almost too uncomfortable to write about. A bit too navel-gazing, a bit too wide-eyed Narcissus. And yet I find myself drawn to look at this question, here and today. (There is only today in the writing world! You cannot put off what you are called to find on the page.) So let me sit here and try to stare straight at the bleached bones of things:
Over the past decade in particular, I have certainly learned to extend myself grace and have accumulated a tidy cabinet of tools to ease myself across moments of self-doubt and reproach. Mainly, this involves repeating to myself: “This won’t matter in a week/month/year” and “This, too, shall pass” and “Today is not the final version.” I also like my own company. I know who I am. But there is still the strait between who I am and who I’d like to be, and on the other shore is that Maine woman in the summer, easy in her own skin. I want the self-possession of my neighbor, who somehow always knows the correct thing to say at the correct moment, never seems bothered by a lag in conversation, is able to communicate a perspective with that rare balance of humility and confidence.
There is a line in a long-form fictional piece I’ve been working on for over a year in which I wrote:
“Probably for every woman there is one perfect performance in which she is able to deliver the right line at the right time, or make the proper escape at the appointed moment. This, Lee thought, was hers. She would not give herself to him. She would not offer him the many good arguments she had rehearsed since his abrupt departure. She would stand inflexible, and keep him outside.”
Have I had that moment yet? It must feel lovely, like hammering a nail straight on the head, or placing the final piece of a puzzle. There.
I don’t know whether this answers the question “am I beloved by myself”…? I think after all that I am. I think it is possible to hold both of these things: that I can take good and gentle care of the imperfect version I am today, even as I aspire to greater things in her future.
Mainly, I feel full and happy and seen by my loved ones, and that’s most of what matters, both on its own and for its nurturing capabilities. By this I mean that my loved ones often help me echolocate myself when I feel lost, or faint. Just this past weekend, I was talking with my brother and SIL, and I made an offhanded comment that I’d dropped the ball with something, and they immediately jumped in, almost in perfect unison: “That’s not your job, Jen.” I was caught off guard by how quickly and easily they saw I was carrying a burden that was not mine to carry. It felt like being let off a punishing leash. (How many of those do I create for myself?)
Still — in this next decade, I’d like to inch closer to the Maine woman, to the Rebeccas of the world. How can I receive people as they are and not be knocked off course by them? How can I stand still in my center?
Onward, to 41!
P.S. You can find some other reflections on birthdays past here (turning 34) and here (turning 35).
P.P.S. Key things I’ve learned over the decades.
A Photo Journal from the Week.
A few of you asked where we were staying this past week — we were at Bedford Springs in PA. It’s a historic hotel with lovely grounds, facilities, and spa, and all of the men in my family were raving about the golf course. The food and beverage programs were underwhelming, and some of the accommodations a little tired, but it was a great place two hours from D.C. to connect with family. That’s the main thing — we had a wonderful time, and the venue offered a lot of spaces and experiences for us to bond. “We were together; I forget the rest.”
A Vignette of Things I’m Loving.
This wicker J. McLaughlin bag has been a surprising MVP of my summer wardrobe lately. It just goes with everything and is the perfect size. I snapped this photo on our way back from our vacation, wearing my Alice Walk gauze pants (I should note that my very similar pair from Splendid are on sale right now for 40% off – use code FOURTH; the Splendids are more cropped and flared while the AWs are a little more straight-leg) and this classic Minnow cardigan, which I shared earlier this week in my roundup of great striped knits for the summer. Harder to see here, but I finished with these great Madewell sandals – under $100.
Sunday Shopping.
WAVELENGTH GAME // TOMATO DRESS // CLARE VIVIER BAG (ON SALE) // FREDA SALVADOR FISHERMAN SANDALS // OSO AND ME TEE AND SHORTS // SPRINTS BELT BAG // ALICE WALK CROCHET CARDIGAN // LMNT ELECTROLYTES // HART SHELL NECKLACE (10% OFF WITH JEN10) // J. CREW CROCHET TANK
+We played so many rounds of Wavelength with my siblings this week — absolutely hilarious. Very fun party game for a crowd!
+Up to 40% off at Clare Vivier! J’adore these woven pots de miel, this “liberez les sardines” tee, this “le vibe” bag, this “pas mal” bateau tote, and this OUI hat. I actually have the bateau tote in my bag!
+My brother and husband played several rounds of golf in 98 degree heat over the week and I gave them these LMNT electrolytes to prepare. They were raving about them and insisting that they enabled them to feel hydrated the entire time! I just had to restock!
+Oso and Me is running a stock up and save event this weekend – the more you buy, the more deeply discounted your shopping bag is. My sister and I were just blabbing about how much we love this brand. My son has had multiple pairs of their Bingo shorts every year of his life, and they’ve all been handed down to his younger cousin, and they still look perfect. Great longevity. I also love these cotton long-sleeved tees, especially in the stripes. I always buy one or two for my son in each size. They’re a little more polished than a t-shirt and the colors/patterns are just fantastic. I find the tees run a little small (will shrink in wash) but shorts run TTS.
+Alice Walk just launched some new crochet beauties! I have this crochet short-sleeved cardigan in the papaya color in my cart…their cashmere version of this sweater has been a shocking wardrobe gap filler for me. I have worn it an absolute TON this summer over cocktail dresses and sundresses while inside at restaurants.
+Up to $100 off at Freda Salvador (depending on spend!) at the moment. My top picks: these or these! I’ve heard several Magpies rave about the Sera sandals from a comfort standpoint!
P.S. A Rare Frank + Eileen Sale.
Through today only, select knitwear is 30% off at F+E (discount appears in cart!). Their Monterey sweaters are classic (I own in the sand color), and I love the look of this Montecito.
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