This week, I was talking with a mother whose son leaves for college at the end of the summer. I asked how she felt about the prospect of an empty nest, and she thought for a moment and said: “I just really need to re-conceptualize my time.” She explained that, for 25 years, she has worked half-time so that she could be there for the afterschool stretch (pick up, extracurriculars, homework, dinner, bed) for each of her three children. This had been the agreed-upon arrangement between her and her ex-husband, and she was happy with it. Just after her divorce, though, she had been startled by the quietness of the weekends her children were away from her; she explained she’d had to figure out how to redefine that time so that it didn’t swallow her. And so she is now anticipating, as her youngest prepares to fly the coop, the weirdness of not having an afternoon anchor to her days, and she knows she needs to reshape that part of her calendar.
I thought, first, how wise this woman is; how clearly and well she knows her own mind. She is an obvious expert in herself. She sees the inclement weather ahead and asks herself, care-ingly: “What will I need? What will comfort, what will ease me across?” It felt a little bit like she was writing a thoughtful, nourishing packing list for the future. (“What might I want?”)
I thought, too, how creatively sanguine it was — how writerly, how artistic? — that she conceived of her time in this way: elastic, able to be recast. For years, her children have been the afternoon drumbeat. What new rhythm can she find for herself?
Another woman sitting with us mentioned, a few minutes later, on a different but not altogether unrelated tack, that when flamingoes have babies, they temporarily lose their pink color. While focused on nourishing their chicks, they shift their own diets and habits, leading to a loss in color vibrancy; once their young become more independent, the regain their signature pink.
I’ve written a lot lately about how mothers undergo tremendous transformation every single day — just last week, I noted: “We shapeshift into the oak-tree of a firm “no,” the eiderdown of a soft landing, the morning rays that gently coax, the quiet night that holds the peace. I can meet this transition, and whatever it asks of me, too.”
Thinking today of the epochal changes we undertake as mothers, too — not just the way we evolve to meet the needs of today’s narrow demands, but the needs of the broader life-stage, too. How we change when our babies are born; how we recast our days when our children leave home. These are not nothings. These are moments of enormous identity shift. How can we approach them with grace and an open mind?
Inspired today by the model of that mother, by her gentle packing list for the upcoming journey.
Post-Scripts.
+On maintaining wonder as a parent.
+Are you friends with yourself?
Shopping Break.
+A great new arrival at Tuckernuck! It already sold out in my size — sigh! Also love this green striped dress for work and this gingham set for play.
+Love this striped tote in the variegated greens! They also have a bunch of great bags on clearance sale, like this shoulder bag with whipstitch detailing, which belongs in my Aspen style guide roundup, and of course their soleil bag (one of my favorites – I own in a wintry colorway)! I also styled the bag below in a Ralph Lauren mommy and me moment (more outfits along these lines here).
RALPH LAUREN SUNGLASSES // 3.1 PHILIP LIM BAG // RALPH LAUREN CABLE KNIT SWEATER // AGOLDE SHORTS // BIRKENSTOCKS // CABLE KNIT SWEATER // GIRLS PLEATED SKORT // GIRLS ESPADRILLES
+New toiletry sets and pareo prints at Julia Amory! Love and own multiple of these items. The toiletry sets are such great sizes; you can toss in the laundry and air dry; and they have lined and pocketed interiors. Great gift!
+Cute gingham romper – under $100. Pair with these jellies and this elongated canvas tote for a fresh look.
JELLIES // ROMPER // SUNNIES // BAG // HAIR CLIP
+BTW, while you’re at Staud, don’t miss their sale section! Extra 20% off their gorgeous and flattering Wells dress or ribbed knit dress in the most gorgeous sage green! And how fab is this tweed top?!
+Love this fringe trim black knit tank with white jean shorts.
TANK // SHORTS // JENNY BIRD EARRINGS // PARACORD NECKLACE // SANDALS // BAG
+A great look for less for my Ancient Greek IRO flats.
+Cute wicker cooler that doubles as a picnic seat!
+Managed to grab my kids Quince’s boy’s boxers and girls underwear while restocked! These sell out so quick and are great quality – similar to Hanna Andersson. Also picked up these striped $29 sweaters for both my kids and can’t believe the quality.
+Fish jammies for your littles.
+$25 Ciao bag and fun shell appetizer plates.
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Image via Jenna Norman on Upsplash.
My daughter is 6 and I am pregnant with another girl, due at the end of the Summer. We have prayed for another child for years, so this is an incredible blessing, but I am also weary to begin the baby phase again. We’ve been out of it for awhile! So many mixed emotions. Motherhood transitions are really something.
The transitions are so startling sometimes, no? While some grapple with more free time, others with less. We are entering the world of tween hormone soup in our family, thick and goopy with FEELINGS and kids who no longer look like their younger child-like selves but who still feel child-like and are grappling with their inside growing to match their outside. The intensity of it and the immediacy of it startled both of us adults at home, and we are now learning to restructure our time more than we already did to be there for the moments of spontaneous deep chats and helping them through it. The packing list for us has many scratch outs and question marks. It’s hard to pack when we are wading into murky soup. The clear broth of childhood is behind us. I miss it, But this essay really helps to put into perspective the shifts ahead. Thank you for discussing this. I don’t think I’ve seen the many transitions of parenting viewed in such a gentle, loving, accepting way before. It’s making me think about being kinder to myself as we enter this new phase.
My baby starts kindergarten in the fall! The plan is for me to go back to work part time so I can still do pick up and drop off (although my oldest is dying to go to aftercare *eye roll*) but I have nothing lined up yet. It’s intimidating! Frankly I think I could fill all my “extra” time with cleaning and tidying for at least the first semester! But this is going to be a big motherhood transition for sure.
So smart to already be anticipating how you might fill that time!! Sending you love and grace. These transitions can sneak up on you!!
xx
I’m anticipating something similar when my oldest starts preschool!
Ah! That transition was rough for me with my second! I had no idea and wish I had anticipated it better – you’re already steps ahead!